


Sheep

by TamingAlice



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Season/Series 08 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-30 10:24:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1017467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamingAlice/pseuds/TamingAlice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Once again, the Winchesters. All roads lead to them, Castiel cannot help but think. (All roads lead to Dean.) Destiel. Inspired by 9x03. Spoilers up to 8x23. T for language.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sheep

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

Sometimes, when Castiel is struggling to fall asleep-which is more often than not-he imagines that Dean is praying to him.

Castiel chooses from a select few memories: those that apologize (or almost-apologize) for how dismissively the Winchesters have treated him, those that hint at the idea that Dean cares for Castiel ( _not_ as a brother, _not_ as a friend)...memories that serve to comfort Castiel when he is plagued by visions of horrifyingly familiar corpses ( _thousands of: vacant green eyes, pleas for mercy, crumpled forms),_ or wide, trusting eyes ( _"Kill him!" Naomi shouts, and Castiel can only watch as he plunges his blade into Samandriel's vessel_ ), or fields of fallen angels ( _Castiel looks down on them-those who_ dare _question his righteousness-and deems them unworthy of existence)._

_Cas, I know you're busy fighting Raphael's winged bastards, but can you at least check in with us every once in a while? It's been weeks, man. Just...just let us know you're alive, OK? I...we need to know. Can't be worrying about your feathery ass when we're supposed to be hunting..._

Castiel has spent hours dissecting prayers such as this one, his ever-hopeful mind translating Dean's words into a precious message, one Castiel has sought comfort in many a night: _I worry about you. I care; I care so much that the idea that you might not be safe is constantly on my mind, rendering me incapable of focusing on much else._

 _Cas, you listening? If you're out there, listen up: I'm coming for you, Cas. And when I find you-'cause goddamnit, I_ will _find you, you bastard-we'll figure out how to get out of this hellhole_ together _._

Desperation. Worry. _I need you; I need you to be safe, I need you by my side. I will_ never _give up on you; I will_ never _stop fighting for you._ And Castiel isn't entirely sure that he's imagining the "or not at all" that hangs somewhere after Dean's emphatic "together". He remembers Purgatory, remembers Dean's unwavering determination in searching for him, remembers Dean's refusal to accept the idea of Castiel remaining behind, remembers his determination to "find a way".

_Cas, if you can hear me…I'm not gonna' say that what you did doesn't matter, or that I can forget it, but you're…family. And that's what really counts. So stop beating yourself up over this, damn it._

Castiel has learned-or at least he hopes he has-that Dean's hesitance (long pauses, fumbled words) can be more telling than what he actually says. He likes to think that Dean will never abandon him, that he sees Castiel as more than an ally (not a friend, not a brother, but a…). He takes comfort in the idea that Dean sees something redeemable in him, despite all that he has done.

The one that isn't a prayer: _"We need you..._ I _need you."_

In hindsight, Castiel is sure that everything became astonishingly clear in _that_ moment. Fighting Naomi's control, surging against her will with everything he has, with everything he _is_ …because _he can't kill Dean_. Not the _real_ Dean. The copies…she was able to force him to kill them, but never the _real_ Dean. Not the Dean whom he pulled from Hell, the Dean whom he rebelled for, the Dean who showed him the beauty of free will, the Dean who believed in him, the Dean who searched for him for almost a _year_ in that vast, unforgiving wilderness. Dean Winchester, the _real_ Dean Winchester, the one Castiel…loves.

_(Castiel drops his blade.)_

Castiel feels like an idiot for not having realized it sooner. After everything he did for Dean, after everything he sacrificed for him…why else would he have given so much of himself to this man?

But, of course, he was too ignorant to realize the true extent of his feelings. Before meeting the brothers, Castiel knew nothing but serenity and obedience-or at least he had thought so. Naomi's admission that she had tempered with his memories previously shocked him: his discovery of his history of rebelliousness was anything but expected, seeing as he-and so many others _-_ had attributed Castiel's shift in allegiance to his association with the Winchesters ( _"You were ruined the minute you laid hands on Dean Winchester.")_. But, even so…

Castiel likes to think that the Winchesters allowed him to break free of his restraints and be who he was meant to be. Without them, he never would have broken from his cycle of obeying-and-disobeying-and-being-forced-to-obey-on ce-more. The Winchesters showed him what it is to be free (" _Team Free Will." Dean informs him matter-of-factly, "We may be screwed, but at least we have a cool name."),_ to act of his own volition, to do what he feels is _right_.

He has erred. So many times, Castiel has committed a wrong whilst attempting to do good: working with Crowley, being driven mad by the Purgatory souls and slaughtering thousands of his brethren, losing the Angel tablet, casting the angels from Heaven…

But each time, each and _every_ time he has been left unscathed (or relatively so). He has died, only to be revived, three times. Metatron's plan to have the angels reconcile was meant to be his penance, it was meant to be the realization of what Castiel thought to be his purpose: to make things right. Instead, his Grace was stolen, rendering him completely mortal. And then he found himself with the Winchesters.

Once again, the Winchesters.

All roads lead to them, Castiel cannot help but think.

(All roads lead to Dean.)

And perhaps that means he was meant to be a human.

Meant to live out his days with the Winchesters.

With Dean.

Sometimes, on those nights when even the memories and the wishful thinking cannot drive away the terrors of his past, Castiel imagines that Dean is thinking of him. Thinking of them. He pretends that Dean spends nights thinking of Castiel, of the future they could have together-two humans, in love. He imagines that his wishful thinking isn't wishful at all, that Dean's choked _I need you_ meant as much as Castiel likes to think it did.

He imagines, and it's enough.

Most times.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I apologize for any typos; I wrote this pretty late, so I'm not confident it's free of mistakes. I'll try to find time to comb through it later...Anyway, I hoped you guys enjoyed my "I'm No Angel" feelings. Ugh, why can't Cas just stay with them? I almost fucking wept. Until next time!


End file.
